Life and work

My 'real' job, the one that pays a consistent income, is midwifery.  I work a shift or two per week at the local rural hospital in the maternity ward and then sometimes I work as a rural locum, covering the community midwives.  That's what I'm doing at the moment.  And boy, can it kick my butt.

I'm in a very privileged position to not have to work much usually.  My husband often has to go away at short notice, or work long hours for his business, so we need me to be available to look after the kids.  I know not everyone has that luxury and must organise childcare as well as their working lives. I know I'm privileged, but I really know it when I work locum.

I've been involved in three helicopter transfers of sick babies in the last couple of weeks.  Today I need to drive for an hour to visit a bunch of women who live even more rurally than I do.  My children got pulled out of bed at 5.30 am the other day because my husband had to start work early and I was at the hospital with a woman.  It sucks.  But it's exciting and fulfilling and important work too.

I'm trying to remember that.  And I'm trying to catch glimpses of the good life in between the sucky bits.

Get back to work!

I guess I need to alter my 'about me'.  I took the plunge and have headed back to work.  Not on any grand scale, mind you, just one eight-hour shift at the local maternity unit per week. 

For those of you who don't know (because it's been a year and a half since I worked for money), I'm a midwife.  Sounds glorious - getting to participate in the miracle of life.  But truly, it's mostly participating in the down sides of childbirth.  Like lots of paperwork; cleaning up blood, puke and poop; trying to calm hysterical people (usually men); and helping exhausted women with ripped up nipples in the middle of the night.  The women with fantastic experiences and straightforward babies usually don't stay long in hospital, and if they do, they don't need much help.

But I tell you what - it's one job where if you do a good job you are REALLY appreciated.  I mean, nobody hugs their plumber and thanks them with tears in their eyes, do they?!

Thoughts

It's our turn for the sickies. Blech. Little boy home from school with an exhausting cough. I've got it too and lots of snot. Took the night off work on Thursday but here I am on Friday night because there is pretty much no-one else to work! Only one woman in who has just had her seventh baby and doesn't need much help from me. I'm alcoholling my hands and holding my breath whenever I go near her room, just in case.

I'm in the throws of deciding whether to give up work or not. I went back to work almost a year ago because I was going a little crazy and financially we REALLY needed it. But now it's not so tough moneywise and I'm finding I'm going crazy in a different way.

My family has no routine and it's hard for the little ones who never know if Mummy is going to tuck them in at night, be there if they wake in the night or be home with them for breakfast. Darlin' Hubby is putting in the whinge too about us never being at home together - it's either him home with the kids and me working or vice versa. I put it to him that maybe HE should quit his job, but being self-employed that's not really a goer. And besides it's me who's not really enjoying my job.

And that's the big thing. When I studied Midwifery about eight years ago, I was passionate about it in a "I'm gunna change the world" kind of way. And now I'm not. I'm still interested in it, I still enjoy it and I still think it's important. But I'm just not PASSIONATE about it.

I went down to Auckland for a one-day workshop on Wednesday. It was an amazing workshop on Childbirth Education. Inspiring, informing, energetic. But it confirmed my thoughts, I've lost my real enthusiasm for it all.

It might be that it's because of the impact it has on my family. It might be because there is not as much time left over for the other things I want to do, namely quilting and, for a want of a better word, homesteading. But whatever the reason, it's getting mighty hard to look forward to another shift.

What do you do when you have a big decision to make? What helps you sort out your thoughts?